I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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