So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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