Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
