the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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