ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
