My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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