And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
