but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
