bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
