Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
