im holly from the hills drunk
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize