I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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