I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is Oprah even human
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
