Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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