i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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