Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
