This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
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