please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
