so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
