the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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