we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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