if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
