i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize