Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
