Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
