Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
