I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
