What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
