I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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