Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
