i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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