im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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