i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
