You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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