someone threw a dead crab at me
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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