There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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