I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
