I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
then he tried to convert me to islam
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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