I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
