OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
