Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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