I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
