I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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