No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize