I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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