I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
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