Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
