We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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