i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
