When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
