I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
