whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
