i think my tv is drunk
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
