you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
