my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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