Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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