The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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