I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
