She is in my trunk
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
