He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
