Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
