your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
