I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
