im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
